Well. Hi all! It's been a while, I know. I haven't written on any of my blogs. I do, however have a lot of time now. I was fired from my job. There were a lot of changes in the company, and I had a hard time keeping up w/ compliance. So I made some errors. Something I noticed, though, is that now I'm free to do other things that are important to me. What would you do if you could? What would your next moneymaker be? How would you separate it from your life outside of work? Would love to know. Speaking of jobs...Congrats Cora! On your new job! Enjoy the change! May the 4th Be with you.

Pride

The other day I had a realization. It wasn't anything new, per se, but it was quite shocking in a way. My brother came up in conversation between my parents and me--me wondering why he's cool with being arrogant and pompous, and 'why can't I be that way and not give a shit' type of story-- and my dad mentioned something about he's a Boeing engineer-he wants people to think he's right all the time. Something I noticed about my mom--when she heard my dad say this, she got this look of devotion and pride on her face. My mom's always strived for success. She instilled it in me. I'm not successful in how I want to be, and at this point, it's a choice I made. But I feel really hurt when I see my mom's face change so much when she hears my dad say what my brother's occupation is. It makes me sad.
Don't get me wrong. I love my brother so much. He's awesome! But he's still a pain sometimes. I'm not jealous. I think I'm just sad because I'm NOT where I want to be in life when it comes to my occupation, but there are other things I have done since then that are wonderful, and if I made different choices-even the choice of keeping my baby instead of releasing for adoption, I wouldn't have met the people I have, or had friendships that have endured.
So why does it hurt when I saw that look on my mom's face. I would love to have you shrink this for me.
Anyone? Bueller?

P.S. I know my entries are a long time coming, but thanks for reading.

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas to all my followers! If you don't celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a great day off! We didn't do our normal going to service this year, but we did have a great time in Portland caroling last night! I'll leave you with this little clip. This song is my favorite at Christmas. It's called "Joseph's Lullabye". It means a lot to me.

**Merry 1st Christmas to the Huffman 3!

Pictures

As most of you know, I have another blog about what I've been thinking and feeling regarding being a parent of a transgender person. I saw a quote on Facebook today that said, "When something bad happens you can let it define you, let it strengthen you, or let it destroy you."
I don't really consider what has transpired "bad" anymore. Many reasons are because I all of a sudden saw an emerging happy and more motivated person coming out as a male, even though we've always seen her as female---mind you, I never went girl shopping for Marley. I did girl shopping with my nieces. I didn't even know there was a store called "Pink" until my niece told me she wanted to go there....6 months ago. I thought that was a style that other people got somewhere. Seriously...no clue.
Why am I bringing this up? Cuz it's something to say, and because I don't really talk about it on here, it's just a way to show what's going on in my world.
Lately, I've been struggling with the fact that M doesn't want pics up in the living room that shows long hair. Even though it doesn't look male or female, he doesn't like it. But I LOVE THOSE PICS! They are from great times. It's hard to argue that stuff. I have what I want in my bedroom, but I still like to show off the great pic from Disneyland. Why? Because it was the first time I saw Marley start getting happy after a long bout of depression. It's a monumental moment, and I got it on camera!
M likes it too, but the idea of long hair for him is somehow quite hard. I try to reason the fact that he loves 90s music and look at all the rockers who had long hair. Whatevs. Right now, it's nice to see that's the only big battle around this. There will be others, but I hope they come quietly and sweetly. Gotta get back to work. :D

MacGuyver

Tonight I was putting up Christmas lights in my apartment window when I realized what a draft we had coming through there. I realized there was a spot at the top of the window that didn't close well. Just a little spot because the frame's probably a little warped, so it doesn't seal. Well, as I was on the phone with a friend, I was looking through some mail, and I had a throw pile, so I took one of the envelopes, folded it up as to make a wedge, and put it under the slider part of the window. Fred asked what I was doing, and he called me MacGuyver. I guess I am. But I've always done stuff like that. Sure, it may look tacky, but it saves me time and money. When I lived in the 'burbs, I started getting the notion that I had to buy things or have someone fix things for me. Moving back to the city put me back to my roots of just fixing the damn thing. Why wait for the maintenance guy to have to fix the window right away? DUH!
Jim and Cora, Chloe is darling! Everyone have a happy Christmas season!!

Hi! Still here!

Marley and I were discussing depression today. Because last month was National Suicide Awareness, and I didn't do any blogging about it, I wanted to share. We really delved into the subject...from M feeling like God wasn't there and hating God, to having to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. We talked about reasons why it happened, if any, and if it would happen again. Anyway, we found a blog about it. This really was how we both have felt before. Sad with some humor. But oh, so human!

Have a great day, and as the call box on the Golden Gate Bridge says....Life is beautiful!

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

WTF????? Yes, I actually am posting!!

Hi All! So, the long delay in posting has something to do with school, moving, and other family issues going on in the household. I actually am writing another blog about the other family issue called "Trans-Parent". I am the mother of a female-male transgender child. So, I felt it was something I needed to start writing about. You're welcome to check it out here on Blogger.

I tend to write more here about just the ups and downs of my life, as usual. It's more of what's going on with me, not what's going on with my daughter/son and our transition. Speaking of kids----SHOUT OUT TO JIM AND CORA! Happy Anniversary for 6 months of EXTREME joy and happiness!! It's a pleasure to see C growing up and happy!

So, in a nutshell-This is not a surprising or recent transition, but it is one that was speculated until it came to fruition a few months back (more like 5). However, having seen that her attitude change for the better, how can I deny that happiness? One day, I was thinking, as I was reading a blog from Jim and Cora about their daughter, that I would feel sadness that I was losing that, but I don't. I had my daughter at C's age, and I even see some pics that remind me of mine. I'm just so happy to not feel that I am comparing my kid anymore to others. There is no comparison. It's refreshing to see that I have a very unique child.

Bitch....and a question....

Okay, I really hate using graphic words, especially in the title, but I was so humiliated today at work, that I actually had to leave my client and go in the back and cry. You see, when I'm pissed, I cry. I'm not the kind of person who, especially in a professional environment, can say something witty back to put the person in her place without getting down to the level of the bitch that humiliated/pissed me off.

This person I'm talking about is a very smart, witty person. Lately, she and I haven't been getting along very well, but I've tried really hard to the point of pasting on a smile and faking it. Trust me, it's hard for me to fake it because I just hate doing that. It goes against the grain for me. I think it's because my mother would talk behind people's backs and then pretend they were best friends. I love my mom very much, don't get me wrong, but this was one of her quirks that bugged me. Anyhoo, I was explaining to the donor in layman's terms about what platelets did. I told her it was a clotting factor in your blood. Now, in my head, a clotting factor is something that helps the blood clot. Platelets may not be considered a clotting factor in the terms of medicine, but a person who is giving platelets doesn't F**KING want to understand that it comes from the bone marrow and not the liver, etc. Saying that it's a clotting factor means to a donor that platelets help patients with cancer and trauma and surgery get their blood clotting when it needs to! Someone doesn't need to come out of their screening room, while doing stuff outside of work-related stuff, I might add, and tell me that it isn't a clotting factor, it helps in the clotting process, etc, in front of the donor. Even the donor was flabbergasted, not to mention the nurse, who happened to be satisfied and understand that I didn't have to be all medicalese-like to the layman that was on the damn donor bed!!
Unfortunately for me, I have an automatic response of turning the color of a fire engine. I cannot, for the life of me, hide that. I then proceeded to work on my donor, and then I felt the tears come. I asked the nurse to please put the bar codes on my platelet kit. Bless her heart, I didn't have to ask twice. She knew I needed a moment.
I guess I'm a person who, if I make a mistake such as one like this, I find the error of my ways and go and apologize without prompt. I really felt that this person, who is 31 years old, btw, would figure out that she crossed a line and come and apologize. Nope. I'm pissed. I'm pissed because I HAVE apologized to her for things like this. Because of that, you would think that she'd figure it out. Am I wrong? Am I asking too much to not have to bring it up? Should she be on a level of maturity to figure it out? Let me know. I really want to. If I don't like it, I promise I won't hold it against you like I'm doing to the subject I'm talking about right now.
TTFN!

Providence

There are 4 meanings on dictionary.com in reference to the word Providence:
1.(often initial capital letter ) the foreseeing care and guidance of god or nature over the creatures of the earth.
2.(initial capital letter ) God, especially when conceived as omnisciently directing the universe and the affairs of humankind with wise benevolence.
3. a manifestation of divine care or direction.
4. provident or prudent management of resources; prudence.
5. foresight; provident care.

Today I'm going with #3. This past few days I have been struggling with a direction I rarely take as a parent. KEEP.MY.MOUTH.SHUT!! For most of those who know me, you so agree with this and are laughing because I don't shut up!! You know the diet books we have and read and then follow them for a few days? That's what I do with wise parenting. I throw it out the window because I decide to take back the power. I can't do that anymore. My baby is going to be 18. I'm tired. I'm tired of being the control freak that I turned into. So, because of that, I depend on #3. Of course, the house rules are still in place. But the attitude of "I can do it all myself" needs to stop. I can't do it all myself. So as Proverbs 3:5 says: Trust the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, well, I must.

My prayers go out to Japan today. May the people we know and love be alright.

FLOOD

This will be short and sweet. I'm at work right now. It seems that I haven't felt like I've had a care in the world for a few months. However, some news that was delivered to me yesterday made me feel very small and out of control, oh, and of course, a failure as a mother, even though my parenting had nothing to do with it.

Have you ever noticed that when you feel all carefree, you should have the niggling caution in the back of your mind saying...."the other shoe will drop in 20 days!"

I know we have mountains and valleys in life, but I actually felt like a bucket of water was being poured on me. I hope the next chapter of my life will have me more aware of my surroundings and to just let things move. I'm working on it now. It's tough. Have I lost you? Well, gotta go back to work!

My Mom

It's not her birthday, and it's not Mother's Day, but I need to make a post about my mom. She struggled in her life. There are times in my life that I can say I was full of resentment toward her. What daughter isn't? But mine lasted years. It's been in the last 10 years, that I can say I have seen the miracle of God work through my mom. My mom, who can pretty much only move her head due to the ravages of MS, also happens to be one of the most grateful people that I know. When she was walking, she was regretful, bitter, and resentful. Yet now, as she has lost almost all her motor skills, she has taken what she had physically and had it transformed in her soul.

I thank all the people who have come into her life who have shown her the Light of God that has helped her be at peace in a body that is anything but. She has so many! I am a daughter that only a mother could love compared to the outpouring of devotion that is given to my mom through other people. I appreciate and thank you all. Some of these people were inspirations to her because of their own illnesses, who have since passed away. You have all inspired me through the changes that I have seen in her.

She has changed other people with her love and words that have given people comfort in times of sorrow. Because of that, she gets cards and gifts frequently.

On this note, I think I'll go see Mom!!

P.S. I'm sure you'll hear this again on my post, as everyday I think how in awe of her I am.

Random

Random #1
I like white wine. I love purple grape juice. I hate wine snobs. I like to go in and taste different wines because I like to taste the differences. I like to taste the hint of whatever was in the environment for that crop that year. I like to taste the added flavors. I like sweet wine. I can't stand dry reds. German Riesling is my favorite. Don't give me the stink eye when I only pick out white wine to taste at the cellar. You're no better than me in your jeans and t-shirt paying the 5 bucks to taste. You wanna look all cosmo, then go to the city wine bar.
Random #2
I am a beer snob. I don't like Budweiser, Coors, Vitamin R, or Michelob. I never liked the taste. I like full bodied, made at the restaurant beer. Or Guinness on tap or in the bottle. Never the can. I promise not to give you the stink eye when you order your Coors. Oh, I do love me some Blue Moon, though. With an orange slice. I'm still a girl.
Random #3
Watching people fight for their freedom this past week has made me weepy! It's beautiful to see! It's beautiful to see what our predecessors fought for. I think I'll write my senator today. To keep fighting.
Random #4
My heart goes out to the families of the hostages that were pirated on their yacht,and New Zealand. There is so much going on in the world lately.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Yesterday I had a tough day. I realized that I sometimes would do well in keeping my mouth shut, if you will. I like to be able to be an adult about things and I expect other adults to do the same. From now on, I am going to try really hard not to get involved in things that could affect my involvement in the future. It was something that wasn't important enough for people to get upset over. Now that I wrote it down, I feel better.

I know that I'm vague, but I try to be really careful about what I post on the World Wide Web.

Alone

I always picture myself in situations of being alone. I'm going back for my nursing degree. I want to finally do my dream. You think that I'm rambling, but I'm not. I sometimes sit and wish I had a man to spend my life with, but I really never picture a permanent man in my life.
Which brings me back to nursing. I want to be able to move or travel as a nurse. A man would be a tough sell on doing that with me. You see, I'm kind of a gypsy. I've never really felt at home anywhere. I love the Pacific Northwest and probably won't leave it, but I love to have "gypsy feet". I've lived in this apartment for 7 years and I've hated it for 3. The only reason I've stayed here is for family reasons. Even though my darling daughter only has a year left of high school, we are moving 10 miles away when the school year is out. It's closer to my job and farther away from suburbia. That's all I want for now. Call me selfish. I guess I am.

Welcome Chloe!

Chloe:
You, little girl, are one of the most loved children on earth.
You were loved and fought for before your parents even knew you. Now that you are in their arms, you get to experience all the hard work that went into having you come home.
We got to see your adoption in steps that had us mad, sad, impatient, and, finally, full of so much joy!! Watching this moment is a miracle to all of us.
God has blessed the three of you with each other, and I know you will feel that love forever.

May God continue blessing your family and may you grow to be as beautiful, smart, and happy as you already seem to be!

Here's to Shirley!!

I'm sitting at Starbuck's typing this while I wait for an old acquaintance to come have Happy Hour with me in downtown Bellevue. I work here, but today I'm off, yet I'm not at home cuddled on the couch like I wish I was. Oh well. I need to stop sulking in my own world and hang out with people. Shirley was people. She passed away on New Year's after a 2 year battle with breast cancer, which she had been in remission for for 10 years before it was found again. Scary, huh? Yup.
Shirley was no-nonsense. She was really cool because she told you like it was without her voice ever being raised. I think she got a lot of respect that way. I have yet to tell you like it is without raising my voice, but there's hope, right??

All I must say is this:
Thank you, Shirley, for giving me words of wisdom that I still carry with me. I will always remember where they came from. I think I pick things up from people that I like to have, and your way of telling it like it is, is one of those.
Thanks for your giggle that you always had. It made me giggle just hearing it. Thank you for the times you went to lunch with me and let me think that our boss was wonderful. At the time, I didn't need to know what a bitch she was. I know that you were saving me from that. I had to find out for myself--which was the mommy in you. :D
Thank you for you. You have touched many lives. I'm sorry I didn't go to your service, but I'd rather you read this from your heavenly perch, and I hope when you do, I hear a giggle.

As I lift my plastic cup full of water, I salute you! You will always be in my heart!
FAREWELL until I see you in heaven!

Here, Here!!

I'm so happy this New Year! I went to church today and listened to a missionary family who lives in China! It made me decide to continue banning Wal-Mart, but I will go ahead and buy from China.:D

Anyway...I know, that was random, but it made me realize a few things....I so very happy and blessed! China has been on the forefront of my mind for a while now, thanks to Jim and Cora. Congrats to them, they will be going there in 10(?) days to bring home their daughter Chloe, who they have loved from afar for so long!

Also, I've been thinking about going back to school and getting my nursing degree again. It's been something that I don't WANT to do, but I really don't plan on retiring with a phlebotomy skill only. The beauty of nursing is I can do mission trips once in a while w/ my profession, which is something I've always wanted to do.

So, here's to 2011...a time for hope and happiness, starting a new family, and preparing for changes in an established one!

If you can't stand for something.....

My daughter and I did our traditional Christmas trek to the movies the other day, and a preview of one of the movies had an actor singing the old song "If you can't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." Well, it's not a song, but you get it.
It got me thinking. Yes, right in the middle of the theater, that I don't think I stand up to anything that well. You see, I get really wishy-washy sometimes. I think it's because I would worry how I was labeled. There are things I don't like. I don't like the idea of people hating people that are different, or homophobia, or people who think that all Christians are right-winged conservatives or that all people who wear turbanes are going to blow up a plane (which, BTW, a lot of people who wear turbanes are Seik, not Muslim, at least in my world, so a little education goes a long way). However, I can understand why people freak out about all those things. And that is where I have to walk the line.
My daughter called me a homophobe one day (or implied it) because I told her that I didn't accept homosexuality. Actually, it was more that I said that I feel there are things in our lives that are developmental issues more than genetic tendencies. It didn't mean that if someone was, I was going to convert them or condemn them. I will never try to sway someone another way. It's impossible for me to think that, but I still have my thoughts. I still have my opinions. I'm sitting here trying to figure out why I'm even bringing this up. I guess it's because I feel I don't have a steady and concrete foundation in what I accept or don't accept. I have a friend who has really screwed up in her life. She has done things (and still does) I don't agree with. Can I accept what she does? No. Can I accept her? Yes. Because she's my friend. Does she know how I feel? AB.SO.LUTE.LY!!
However, I sometimes feel that my boundaries, when accepting the friendship, can be shaky. In my head, I'm letting her know it's alright. But I think that's almost the mind of a child. As an adult, I don't have my parents telling me to not hang out with that kid because she's bad news. But I DO have my boundaries by saying that she's my friend, yet I don't condone what she does in her life. She knows how I feel. She expects a little nudge when she sees me. She also knows what she's doing. So. I guess because of that, and because I do value my friendship with her, I do know my boundaries. I just have to show people where I stand with them. Now if I could JUST convince my daughter..... :D

Congrats go out to Jim and Cora on a step closer to having their girl home! Contractions are getting closer together!!

Christmas Wishes

Last night, after my daughter's and my Christmas Eve movie watching with snacks (something new this year, but it was fun), I ended up on this computer taking my facebook profile of which Pooh character I was. I wasn't too surprised to find I was Eeyore. It was actually really refreshing to find that I was an avid couch potato and tv watcher, and all the worrying I have for my kid finds that it's because she's very similar to me. As much as we love to play outside, we balance it out well with computers and couches and tvs.
My Christmas wish this year is to be less freaked out about my daughter's love of all things computer. I'm finding it's her outlet. She is working hard at school, so she will have the outlet, along with me dragging her outdoors. :D

May you all have a wonderful Christmas Day!

The Ultimate Choice*

Choices. This world is full of them. What kind of bread should I get? The types of grain and baking method are endless in this country! We have abundance like crazy, and don't even know what to do with it! But bread's not my topic. My topic is around this season. What this season means to me. My faith in the last couple years has, I wouldn't say wavered, but I definitely am not the faithful churchgoer as I used to be. I could use an excuse that church doesn't make me anymore Christian than I already am, but I won't, because to me that's an EXCELLENT EXCUSE!! Nope. I've just been lazy. Lazy in a lot of things in my life. I guess you could say that I've taken a break from doing just about everything. But I digress. I'll save the bad vibes for another time.
Back to the topic. Today, I am hitting on a topic that makes me point to the disclaimer above and has me remind you of it before you begin reading anymore. Go on, Read it! THANKS! :D
Okay...choices. Yes. Lots of them. Yup. Did you know I'm pro-choice? I am. I believe that, even though God has a plan for all of us, I am still okay with someone to choose abortion for themselves. He did give us free will. And, like a good parent, he let's us make mistakes and face choices that suck. I had that choice once. I chose to raise her. But I still deliberated. As a woman, we get that decision. But guess what? The Ultimate Choice I'm talking about today was not made by a woman, but a man. Or, in this day in age, a boy. Probably not more than 16-18 years old, yet in those days, he was a man. His girlfriend, or should I say, betrothed/wife, was only about 12-14 years old. His betrothed, Mary was a very faithful Jewish girl who had the most extraordinary faith in God! So faithful that He chooses her to carry the Chosen One. The one that will save all people. The one that God promised since Adam and Eve ate the apple. We don't hear much about her deliberations in the bible except for it to say that she tells the angel (and I always forget if it's Gabe or Mike, or do they even mention it?) that it's impossible to be with child because she hasn't been with her husband. That's how faithful she is. She accepts it, goes and visits her cousin, who is also carrying John, who will become a wild man for Jesus, and looks forward to the birth of her baby. Need I mention that the cousin lives far away, and Mary was not yet showing when she went to visit? Back then, visiting cousins was a seasonal affair. She probably stayed with Elizabeth for a few months. Won't she have quite the Christmas present to bring home, huh?
So Mary, who again, is honored beyond all comprehension to be carrying the Messiah, comes home. Now let's picture this: Cousin Zechariah brings Mary home. Mary no longer has a teenage body. She's full in the belly. She didn't eat too much hummus and pita bread. She has a BABY in there. I always wonder if she sits and comprehends what people will think, like we do? Needless to say, people, including her immediate family, are shocked and surprised. They take her aside demanding the truth of how she got this way! She tells the Truth. She goes to her betrothed and tells him the Truth. The Truth to him is so far fetched that he can scarcely believe it! He faces immense betrayal. He did feel that. He was honorable to the law, and the law back then was that women did not cheat on their husbands. They were stoned for that sort of thing. STONED! This involves rocks, not grass. Now THIS is where it gets good!!!

Let me say something quick. Do you ever hear things that make you so mad or upset that you want to seek revenge or get ticked off right away? I'm raising my hand here. It usually takes someone else to calm me down and justify something to me instead of going and fulfilling the judgment through yelling, or whatever.
So, Joe makes the decision, because he loves his wife enough to not have her stoned to death.(back then, betrothals were marriage, and they lasted a long time, and sex was when the betrothal ended and the marriage began, so they were married, it was just not consummated). You know what happened? I'm going to just put up the passage because I couldn't say it better myself: From Matthew 1¹⁹ Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet^a]">[a] did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. ²⁰ But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. ²¹ She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus,^b]">[b] because he will save his people from their sins.”
WHY DO I FIND THIS SO SPECTACULAR????? A couple things.
1) The man made the choice. As independent and liberal as I can be, I always love the man making the right decision. I appreciate that. He didn't make the divorce choice to dishonor her. He didn't want her killed. She was going to have the lesser of 2 evils. Remember, this was when women were not esteemed as they are now.
2) God didn't make THE MOVE until Joseph made THE CHOICE. That. Speaks. Volumes.

This goes back to God giving us the choices that we have. He was being Joseph's parent in letting him make a very adult decision that he would never be ready to make, and then he said "SURPRISE!" Believe your wife, because she has found favor with Me (see Luke 1:29-31).

I tend to ponder if Joseph made the other choice, what would have God done? Would He still come down and tell Joseph the Truth, or would Joseph's decision come to fruition? My heart aches thinking of the latter. Yet God made a decision and let His child Joseph make a CHOICE that, although he was still intervened in keeping Mary as his wife, he made the choice to keep her alive. Alive so she would still be able to bear a Son that came into this world to do the works of His Father, which also meant dying on a mere cross so that I can see Him in heaven someday.

Joseph divorcing Mary would not have changed the outcome of a baby being born. But would Jesus being raised without a human father made Him different? I don't know. I'm glad I don't have to know that. However, I know that he would have still served the purpose that was meant by God.

To my friends who are believers in Christ, I hope that you enjoyed a little more in-depth of my human perspective of Jesus' birth. And to my friends who are not believers, none of us deserve the love that we have the choice to receive, yet He loves us so much that He wants us to.

So, my thanks goes out to God for giving Mary an honorable and loving husband who made the decision to keep her from harm.

Merry Christmas!