Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I tend to be a sad sort on my blogs. I think that's part of having a journal. I'm letting the world see what I see through a haze of sadness, happiness, excitement, etc. Since it's the holiday season, I'm one of the many that have stress that's really not necessary. It's really the season to reflect on the birth of the Saviour, and not whether I should buy this or that for someone.
I think it's also fair to say that I miss my family. I happen to be close distance to my family. I only live 3 miles away from my brother and parents. But the fact that we all have our own lives makes it hard to see each other. My sister lives a lot farther away. Roughly 800 miles, I believe. I don't miss her, but I miss what we had many years ago. When we say goodbye to each other, I don't cry because I will miss her. I cry because I'm no longer a sister to her in the sense that we were once. I do have that with my brother, and I'm so glad for that. He and I can still drink a glass of wine and banter and yell and tell each other we love each other at the end. To have lost a sibling due to growing up and growing apart makes me sad. To have tried a couple times to right the situation to no avail makes me feel I succeeded in trying. To see no change in the situation makes me angry to the point of despair.
I will never get my sister back. Whatever demons she's had to fight are hers to fight. All I can do is pray and love her, even though I hate her in so many ways. You may think that's harsh to say I hate her, but I do. I hate that she has become someone so bitter that I have to cut ties in order to keep myself and my family emotionally sane. However, I don't sound emotionally sane, do I? Can someone be when they feel this way? How do my parents cope with this rift between us? Are they as empathetic as I, or do they just let it ride and hope that we will become friends again?
Whatever the future brings, I know in my heart that I love my sister. I love the girl that worked so hard to keep it together when she didn't have the guidance she needed to do so. I love the young woman that felt abandoned when all of her family moved away while she was in college. I love the woman that has accomplished so much, and gained the respect of so many. But I hate the circumstances that have made her bitter and poisonous to me and those around me.
I have worked so hard to change the way I molded to some of my unfortunate circumstances. I can't change her, but I can't expose myself and my child to her when she won't change herself. I no longer can be the fixer that I tried so hard to be. At the age of 37, I am too tired to do that anymore. Now I will pray and hope that God takes away the hate. That's all I can do. Tomorrow, I hope I have given it up, so I don't feel this heaviness that I carry.
I do wish you all a Merry Christmas, and for Jim and Cora, many prayers for gifts from China.